Hello my friends of the
Omschool!
Teacher Omi here with some thoughts on how children can develop decision-making and problem-solving skills using
CBT and what we used to call RT (reality therapy) and RET (rational emotive therapy). Originally I was going to gear this toward teachers but then I realized that
cognitive behavioral therapy is about active client (student) participation. So I'm writing this to you, children.
Think about difficult situations you are in or you might be in (hypothetical). Or difficulties you may be having. Then look at what choices you are making. Are these choices working or not? For example, taking what isn't yours. That probably makes the person you took it from angry. BUT you should also consider choices you make that work out well for everyone. Like sharing with siblings.
Identify how your choices are working out for you and others. If you took a toy or hit someone, it probably won't make either of you feel very good. Which doesn't work for anyone. Now contrast this with times you did things that made everyone happy, like sharing your toys or helping them when they needed help. I'm guessing you all felt pretty good about that, as well you should.
Contrast and compare what was different. What changed when you did things no one liked and when you did things everyone likes? You can make a chart if you want, listing the positive and negative outcomes. Omi (and CBT) aren't really into calling behavior good or bad. It's about what works and what doesn't. Usually, kindness, patience, generosity, helpfulness, agreeableness, cooperation, cheerfulness work better than rude or unkind words, selfishness, refusing to do our part. Those don't work too well for anyone.
Think really hard about what it is you need or want. Say you got angry because you wanted to play with someone and they did not want to play. Or you took something of theirs. Did you really want their toy or did you want one of your own? If you wanted your own and you took theirs do you feel any better? Probably neither of you will.
Think about how the other person is feeling. If it's hard to do that, think how you would feel if your toy was stolen. Or someone yelled at you. Regular CBT doesn't address this much but I think it should. Because feeling with and for another person, empathy, is a crucial skill to learn. We have to know that we aren't not the only person with needs, wants and feelings. Everyone has them.
Consider who owns the feelings, needs and wants. Problem-solving requires us to look at what we bring to the situation. If you got angry with someone for not doing what you wanted, was that her fault or might you have been expecting her to something that wasn't her responsibility? Remember, you can choose how you act and she can choose how she acts. If you wanted her to play with you and she didn't want to, it's okay. It doesn't mean you are a bad person. It just means she wanted to do something else.
Talk to someone you trust about how you feel. While it's okay she didn't want to play with you, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Tell a loved one, like sibling, mom or dad, a friend or your Omi or Opi,(grandma or grampa) how you feel. I am always happy to listen when one of my Omschooligans needs to talk.
Look at what you are doing. If she doesn't want to play with you, it doesn't mean no one wants to play with you. Unless you find no one does. Then think about why. Are you kind and friendly or bossy and pushy? You might have to make some different choices so they will want to include you. Or if they are excluding you and don't know why, ask a friend to help you figure it out.
Be will to admit to making choices that didn't work out. The worst thing we can do and adults do it too is something called DARVO. That means that instead of owning up to problem choices we've made, we Deny and Attack (blame) an innocent person. Then Reverse Victim and Offender. That means we don't take responsibility for our choices that hurt someone (the victim). And we make it look like the other person was at fault, not us. This is also called being a crybully (a bully who says others are bullying him). Trust Teacher Omi, this only leads to problems. But happily, admitting our hurtful choices can make everyone happier. If it was your fault, say so and say what you will do differently. But first you have to...
Explore your options. Part of good decision making and problem solving includes thinking about things you could do in situations. Depending on age, you can list choices you could make. Younger ones can talk to an adult about options. Some scenarios might be hypothetical (could be) and some are real things that are happening now. Think about ways to fix the things you broke and improve friendships so problems don't occur in future. Think about the choices you make that help everyone, like helping your sister with her homework instead of yelling at her to leave you alone.
Make changes. It's not just about saying sorry. Those are just words and they don't mean anything unless we show people we are sorry by not doing what hurts them. And by doing kinder, more caring things. Sometimes we do kind things even if the other person doesn't. That's called "being the change we want to see in others.) If someone is consistently not kind, it is okay for you to choose not to be around them.
Teacher Omi trusts and believes in you to make your life and your world the best it can be. Picture is our cats Moishe and Mordecai. Sometimes they play nice and share the bed. Sometimes they fight and b beat each other up. Then no one gets to enjoy the bed. I think they have learned that sharing is nicer for both of them.
