Hello my Omschooligans! Teacher Omi here with some fun, interactive ways to learn new behaviors using science principles. We talked, about a month ago, how to learn decision-making and problem-solving skills with CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy). That's a fancy way of saying changing problem behaviors by thinking about what you're doing. Today we're going to use science to help us learn new behaviors! And parents and teachers, we're going to explore how to teach healthier behavior with science and CBT, not punishment and scolding. First the psychology.
The CBT Cycle: How It Works
CBT is based on the idea that it isn't just "events" that make us upset, but rather the way we interpret (think, feel, understand) those events.
| Component | What it is | The Internal Dialogue |
| Thoughts | What we say to ourselves in our heads. | "I can't do this, it's too hard." |
| Feelings | The emotions and physical sensations we have. | Anxiety, frustration, heavy chest. |
| Behaviors | The things we do (or avoid doing). | Giving up or procrastinating. |
A Simple Breakdown Chart
You can think of CBT as a five-step process to "re-wire" a reaction (with one not to do).
Identify action, thought and feeling: What did you think and feel in a negative situation? Angry because she got markers and I didn't. Jealous because I thought it was unfair.
Describe results: What happened? You took her markers and broke them, she got angry and took your car and smashed it.
Clarify cause and effect. You didn't "make" her retaliate but she probably wouldn't have if you hadn't started it by breaking her markers. Admit what you did that got this ball rolling.
Challenge: Ask yourself, is this working for either of us? (two big heads shake, no) How do I think and feel now? Sad about having to pay for her markers and that I lost my car. Guilty that I didn't make a better choice. A little angry at myself and her and the adults involved. And kind of dumb for getting so angry about it.
Brainstorm: Is there a better way? Yes, I can apologize and offer to replace her markers (restitution). I can offer to help with her chores (reconciliation). I can count to 10 and think of what I want to do differently. Which is we all get to play with markers and cars.
Replace: Swap the unhelpful thought (I was dumb. I can't do anything right) or behavior (exploding) with a more balanced one. Make a list of ways to make this happen and do them.
The not to do. Notice Teacher Omi didn't say "stop taking her markers." or "don't fight." That's because it's impossible not to do something. It is a logical fallacy called the "white bear" and here's why it doesn't work.
🧠 The "White Bear" Problem
If I tell you, "Whatever you do, do not think of a white bear," what is the first thing that pops into your head? A white bear!
The To-Do List
Adults need to understand how White Bear works too! Because too often grownups often tell kids what not to do. And we forget to tell kids what to do instead (raising hand, guilty!) We can't make ourselves "not do" a thing, any more than we can not think of poor Mr. White Bear. We have to give ourselves choices to do in its place. Instead of not doing something, we need to find replacement behaviors I call blue frogs. This is much easier because:
Willpower is a limited resource: It takes a lot of energy to "stop" a thought or action. That rascally white bear will keep running back in the more you try to keep him out! (But don't worry, we'll find a way to let him in properly).
Action is easier than inaction: The brain prefers to do a new task rather than try to maintain a state of doing nothing. So we think about a blue frog instead! She is our new thing to do!
🎡The Power of the PivotThink of your brain like a steering wheel. You can't just "not turn left" to avoid a ditch; you have to physically turn the wheel to the right to stay on the road.
Learning new behaviors works the same way. We don't just "not fight"—which keeps our minds stuck on the conflict—we pivot toward kindness. This gives our hands and hearts something active to do! Then Mr. White Bear and Ms. Blue Frog can work together instead of against each other. By being kinder we're also not fighting! YaY!
Vacuum science experiment
Science tells us "nature abhors a vacuum." In other words there can never be nothing, just like we can not not do something. As you drink from a glass, air rushes in. That's why you can blow bubbles in your milk. Air is changing places with the chocolate milk. In fact, if it can't like in a sealed glass, you can't suck any more milk out. Physics won't let you. It says "nope, not till you put something in there instead."
🚫 The Vacuum Principle in life
Think of behavior like the glass of chocolate milk. When you suck the milk out with a straw, the glass doesn't stay empty—air rushes in to fill that space immediately!
So you can’t just "empty" a bad habit out and leave a hole. If you don't intentionally fill that space with a new, good habit, the old one will just rush back in to fill the vacuum!
Let's take it one step further:
There is a famous myth that houses "explode" during a tornado because the low pressure (the vacuum) inside the funnel causes the air inside the house to push outward. Science tells us this isn't true.
It’s not the "nothingness" of the vacuum that destroys the house—it is the violent rush of air trying to get into that empty space. So not only is it impossible not to do something, it might be dangerous. If we leave a "vacuum" by not replacing a bad choice with a better one, we invite in a tornado! Which is exactly what anger, fear, guilt and shame feel like! A whirlwind!
Bringing it all together with CBT
- CBT shows us we're not at the mercy of the tornado of our feelings.
- CBT teaches kids and adults that they operate the steering wheel.
- CBT teaches how to steer by thinking, not reacting.
- It demonstrates that we all have wonderful tools called "choices."
- CBT helps us fill the vacuum by exploring blue frogs that work better for us.
- It helps our white bears and blue frogs make friends. When we do healthy new behaviors (blue frogs) we also won't do what Mr. White Bear tells us not to.
Here are some examples of the "white bear and blue frog" friendship
- I don't have to fight. I can talk it over.
- I don't have to argue. I can collaborate.
- I don't have to be jealous. I can ask for some markers.
- I don't have to steal hers. I can get my own.
- I don't have to shove him. I can ask him to move, politely.
